Freaky

[To be read in the voice of Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense]: I see bugs. . . . All the time.

This affliction is a serious problem. At least the ghosts Haley was seeing were real and he could help them. What am I supposed to do with imaginary bugs that won't go away? Keep swatting at the spiders and other creepy-crawly things that aren't really there, but make their little ways into my vision?

On one of our doorways part of the wood has been nicked. It is about level with my chin and every stinkin' time I see it, I think it's a bug. The carpet in our apartment is cheap, which means water stains it, and because of this there are . . . stains. . . . Well, many of them are bug-shaped, ok? I start walking into the livingroom and AAAAAGGH! I jump back and try to keep my feet off the floor. But alas, gravity works. I am brought back to the floor and look at "it" again. It is then that I realize it's a stain from when one of the kids walked on the carpet with a wet blue sock on.

About two years ago we lived in a basement apartment which turned out to have hobo spiders everywhere. Upon that lovely discovery I began "seeing" spiders on the floor every time I sat down on the floor. I would constantly look behind me, to the side, around corners. And when I did find one, it just made my paranoia worse.

Now most of you would just avoid sitting on the floor, right? Well, I didn't have much choice since our furniture was limited to a couch which I would allow guests to sit on. I didn't want my friends bitten by the nasty things! If I did sit on the couch, I couldn't let my feet touch the floor. I had to pull them up beside me for fear that a spider would crawl out from under the couch and bite my toes.

So now that we are here in Cleveland and have a second story apartment, I still "see" spiders on my carpet as well as house centipedes and other gross bugs. Our walls are textured, so this adds to the problem when it starts to get dark; shadows lengthening can create some real creepy-crawly effects.

So if you ever come over and think you see a bug, don't worry it's probably just a stain. Or lint. Or a nick in the doorway. But if you see me jump, please don't judge.