Jeoparody! The Motherhood Version

Ever hear the phrase, life is a test? If you're LDS (Mormon for the rest of you), I know you have so raise your hand. Anyone else?

Today I have come to the conclusion that some aspects of life test harder than others. For example, motherhood* (do yourself a favor and see the fine print at bottom for a warning if you have begun feeling uppity or concerned for me).

It is the test that never ends.

Question One-Wake Up Time: How do you handle one overly happy child (you not being a morning person cannot understand her chipperness), one extremely grumpy child (while you identify with said grumpy child, his grumpiness still bugs you, because hey, you're grumpy), and one child you know will have either oatmeal or cereal in her hair in five minutes.

Question Two-School Time: How do you handle a child who won't let go of your leg when you drop him off at school?

Question Three-At Home: What do you do with the other two now? They want to color on your nice, painted walls and new couch, paint pictures on the dining room table, and eat candy at 8:45 AM. How do you handle this?

Question Four-Temper Rising: Youngest child has emptied your purse for the fifth time this morning (it's only 10AM) and you are running out of hiding places for it. She's eaten 53 cents and scattered the few dollar bills you were planning on using as your tithing. Oldest child is pretending she knows how to whistle and is actually shrieking at the top of her lungs. What is your answer?

Question Five-Lunch Time: Grumpy child is home from school and you have 20 minutes to feed all your children lunch before getting Oldest child to school. Youngest daughter wants to wear the peanut butter and jelly, Oldest child wants to talk instead of eat, and Grumpy child wants to pout. What is your answer?

Question Six-Sleep: Youngest child refuses to take naps now, but still desperately needs them. What do you do?

Question Seven-Repetition: Grumpy child is finally happy. Because he's throwing a ball in the house. He is told every day not to throw anything in the house. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How do you handle this?

Question Eight-Dinner Hour: All three children are home now. You must now entertain, watch over, keep them clean, the house clean, and make dinner on time so that bed time can finally come. How do you juggle everything?

Question Nine-Bedtime: Youngest child arches her back, screams, and cries because she doesn't want to go to bed. In the same room, Grumpy child who eventually became happy is grumpy again because he doesn't want to go to bed. Small reprieve with Oldest child who has a 90% chance of going to sleep on her own. You put Youngest child in her bed when she calms down. She gets out. You put her back. She gets out. You have been told and have read that if you just keep putting her back and letting her cry she will eventually figure it out and learn to fall asleep in her bed on her own. This is a lie and you must find some other method. What will you do? Curve ball: Grumpy child shares a room with Youngest child and refuses to lay still or be quiet. How do you handle this situation while getting Youngest child to sleep?

Question Ten-Bonus Points: Once they are actually asleep for the night, what do you do?

A) the dishes, laundry, and any other chores that didn't get done during the day
B) craft or sew-not something for you, but for one of your children
C) watch TV/read/relax
D) do something for yourself
E) eat the candy you didn't allow them to eat at 10AM


Leave me your answers to any two questions, I'll pick my favorite answers and send you a prize. Seriously, I will. How about a package containing my favorite candy that I only eat when my kids are in bed? Or eat when they are at least not looking because I can't always wait until after 10AM.



*If you are one of those people that can't stand my posts where I talk about how hard motherhood can be, either read somewhere else today or try to understand that I LOVE MY KIDS AND AM GRATEFUL TO BE A MOM, but I also need to vent and complain sometimes about how motherhood is hard and demanding. That's part of having a blog about family life. Please don't worry about me, like you did in the past, over whether or not I'm "ok." I'M FINE. And the mere fact that I'm able to write this and that I'm trying to make it funny (whether I succeeded or not is irrelevant) shows that I'm normal, that I love my kids, and that I'm fine.