Friday, December 18, 2009

Jeoparody! The Motherhood Version

Ever hear the phrase, life is a test? If you're LDS (Mormon for the rest of you), I know you have so raise your hand. Anyone else?

Today I have come to the conclusion that some aspects of life test harder than others. For example, motherhood* (do yourself a favor and see the fine print at bottom for a warning if you have begun feeling uppity or concerned for me).

It is the test that never ends.

Question One-Wake Up Time: How do you handle one overly happy child (you not being a morning person cannot understand her chipperness), one extremely grumpy child (while you identify with said grumpy child, his grumpiness still bugs you, because hey, you're grumpy), and one child you know will have either oatmeal or cereal in her hair in five minutes.

Question Two-School Time: How do you handle a child who won't let go of your leg when you drop him off at school?

Question Three-At Home: What do you do with the other two now? They want to color on your nice, painted walls and new couch, paint pictures on the dining room table, and eat candy at 8:45 AM. How do you handle this?

Question Four-Temper Rising: Youngest child has emptied your purse for the fifth time this morning (it's only 10AM) and you are running out of hiding places for it. She's eaten 53 cents and scattered the few dollar bills you were planning on using as your tithing. Oldest child is pretending she knows how to whistle and is actually shrieking at the top of her lungs. What is your answer?

Question Five-Lunch Time: Grumpy child is home from school and you have 20 minutes to feed all your children lunch before getting Oldest child to school. Youngest daughter wants to wear the peanut butter and jelly, Oldest child wants to talk instead of eat, and Grumpy child wants to pout. What is your answer?

Question Six-Sleep: Youngest child refuses to take naps now, but still desperately needs them. What do you do?

Question Seven-Repetition: Grumpy child is finally happy. Because he's throwing a ball in the house. He is told every day not to throw anything in the house. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How do you handle this?

Question Eight-Dinner Hour: All three children are home now. You must now entertain, watch over, keep them clean, the house clean, and make dinner on time so that bed time can finally come. How do you juggle everything?

Question Nine-Bedtime: Youngest child arches her back, screams, and cries because she doesn't want to go to bed. In the same room, Grumpy child who eventually became happy is grumpy again because he doesn't want to go to bed. Small reprieve with Oldest child who has a 90% chance of going to sleep on her own. You put Youngest child in her bed when she calms down. She gets out. You put her back. She gets out. You have been told and have read that if you just keep putting her back and letting her cry she will eventually figure it out and learn to fall asleep in her bed on her own. This is a lie and you must find some other method. What will you do? Curve ball: Grumpy child shares a room with Youngest child and refuses to lay still or be quiet. How do you handle this situation while getting Youngest child to sleep?

Question Ten-Bonus Points: Once they are actually asleep for the night, what do you do?

A) the dishes, laundry, and any other chores that didn't get done during the day
B) craft or sew-not something for you, but for one of your children
C) watch TV/read/relax
D) do something for yourself
E) eat the candy you didn't allow them to eat at 10AM

Leave me your answers to any two questions, I'll pick my favorite answers and send you a prize. Seriously, I will. How about a package containing my favorite candy that I only eat when my kids are in bed? Or eat when they are at least not looking because I can't always wait until after 10AM.

*If you are one of those people that can't stand my posts where I talk about how hard motherhood can be, either read somewhere else today or try to understand that I LOVE MY KIDS AND AM GRATEFUL TO BE A MOM, but I also need to vent and complain sometimes about how motherhood is hard and demanding. That's part of having a blog about family life. Please don't worry about me, like you did in the past, over whether or not I'm "ok." I'M FINE. And the mere fact that I'm able to write this and that I'm trying to make it funny (whether I succeeded or not is irrelevant) shows that I'm normal, that I love my kids, and that I'm fine.


Kristine said...

The only answer to all these questions are muzzles and staight jackets for Christmas this year. If you find any please let me know because I need a few too.

Wade, Jenny, and Girls said...

In response to question 3: Just let them eat the candy (so long as they've eaten all their breakfast)!
And in response to question 8: Now is a great time to turn on the TV...even if they've already had their daily allotment! :) ha ha. Loved your post!

Janelle said...

Q2: Use said clung-to leg to kick him off of it. :)

Q4: Ten minutes with duct tape should stop the "whistling." And the purse goes on top of the refrigerator.)

Q5: If Grumpy child and Oldest child would rather pout and talk respectively, they can go without lunch. It's their choice. They're still too young to deliberately starve themselves for long enough to do any damage. As for Youngest daughter, the answer is simple: wrap her in shrink wrap before lunch, and clean-up will be easy!

Q6: Mine is at this stage sometimes. Sometimes still naps, sometimes doesn't. Some days, she stays in her crib for 1 1/2 or 2 hours, whether she sleeps or not, because she needs that quiet, calm time. Your situation is a little different, though, being that you don't have a small contained area for yours.

Q7: Take the ball away. Natural consequence.

Q10: In your case, C or D, but the answer to either of those is "write." In my case, the answer is E. Or C. But first E. Then C.

Raspberry said...

I dont' have answers. I have similar problems, and I only have ONE child. I think my answer is, well, at least every other mother has to do this too. But sometimes that's hard to remember when he wakes up screaming for no reason at 3 am. Or sobs uncontrollably when his dad leaves. Or screams at the top of his lungs when he can't get his shoes on the wrong feet. Or chucks oatmeal at me because - he's done.

jugglingmotherhood said...

Oh yeah! Been there done that (still doing it!)

I think I will answer Q2 & Q8.

Q2 School: Get to school 30mins before bell starts so that you can settle child in an activity. With my daughter I started drawing a card, then she would finish it off and I would leave. For my son I settle him on the playground, computer or a puzzle.The que for me to leave was me saying "kiss & a hug?" if they were settled they would give me a kiss & hug and I would leave, if they are reluctant to give me a kiss & a hug, back to settling them.

Q8 Dinner: I always have dreams of preparing dinner during the day, but it never happens. Best advice, make sure meat is defrosted and choose an easy meal. Also get plenty of sleep so you have the energy to keep on top of things! After school, everyone has snacks, then homework. Get everyone to tidy up so that you can make a hut to play in while you make dinner. Get kids to tidy up before dinner. Serve dinner. Get kids to help tidy up after dinner (clear dishes, load dishwasher, wipe down table...put on jumpy music if you feel stressed). Encourage them to clean by saying that you will all play a game afterwards (hide & seek/tickle monster). Play game. Mummy have some downtime if possible. Get kids ready for bed.

Bonus question:
I have been chilling out lately...I probably should do a bit of housework and then chill out!

Leanne said...

Answer: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!!

You are not alone in this crazy thing called motherhood, and I too have these issues...not all of them, but quite a few of my own. I'm sorry you are having one of "those" days, or weeks or whatever. This too shall pass.

Melanie said...

Oh Kellie, I love your posts!
I have no answers. And my kids sound exactly like yours, including/especially the consistently grumpy child.
Although I feel for you, it's good to know we're not alone in all the mixed emotions of motherhood.

rachel said...

Question 10:

Write. Write some more. Channel your days into your craft.

Sorry its tough. I really enjoyed this post because a) I relate b) your a good writer

Oh and it's okay to eat a little candy while you write.

Merry Christmas, Kellie!!

JerieH said...

Read with tongue in cheek please!

1. Overly happy child – serve her least favorite breakfast to bring her off of cloud nine.
Grumpy child – let sleep till he is no longer grumpy
Youngest child – Shave her head –hair is overrate anyway!
2. Hmmm…. Cover both legs of your pants in Vaseline so he slips right off!
3. Cover your walls will butcher pare so you can just throw it away at the end of the day. As for the furniture, don’t they still sell those plastic/vinyl couch covers somewhere?
4. Duck tape, for purse and mouth.
5. Skip lunch; hungry kids are sooooo much more pleasant to be around.
6. Benadryl, darling, Benadryl.
7. “You throw it, I trash it…”
8. Ummmm, trap youngest in high chair….. belt others to their seats. Then insert ear plugs in your ears while you cook, clean, and wash. Release kids and bribe them into happiness with candy before Hubby walks in the door.
9. Don’t they make tent-like things to go over the bed designed to keep sleep walking children in bed? Invest in three of those and re-use those ear plugs baby!
10. Aren’t you supposed to do all 5?

For real:
4. Lock your purse in the car? Jacob “whistles” that way to and that’s when I encourage him to be “Sandy-the-dog” because dogs can’t whistle!

10. Do C – E, because if you don’t how will you have the energy to do it all over again tomorrow?