Monday, June 30, 2008


WARNING: This post contains much whining and griping and gnashing of teeth. If you can't handle it, get off the blog.

Thank you to those who offered advice and understanding to my Love vs. Respect post. Things haven't really improved yet since we're in the middle of a move and are staying with my parents. The kids get away with everything here. My parents give them candy and soda ten minutes before bedtime and don't think anything of it until they see the incredulous look on my face. My parents didn't do that kind of stuff when I was a kid.

I've noticed that everyone who doesn't have kids at home, or who doesn't spend all day with their kids (*cough* dads *cough*) don't really understand what mothers with small children go through.

These people tell me to calm down, chill out. They tell me that whatever hell my kids are raising, it isn't a big deal. Then I notice when they spend ten minutes with my kids, and I refuse to step in and help so they have to actually deal with the kids themselves, they go bezerk just as much as I do. Of course then they either don't notice their behavior or the kids all of a sudden are little hellions and their frustration toward the kids is justified.

Everyone knows how to parent until they have to do it. Everyone knows exactly what tactics to use until they try them and find they don't work any better than what the mom was doing.

How do you think the mom feels? Completely lost, maybe? Babysitters, grandparents, and even fathers spend so little time with the kids that there is no way for them to possibly understand how a mom feels. Even giving mom a day out and having a grandparent or the dad watch the kids all day doesn't get the message out. Know why? Because the dad and the grandparent know that in a matter of hours things will go back to normal. The mom will come home, take the kids, and then they can go back to their nice normal lives with other adults who can speak in complete sentances, have brains capable of reasoning, and can wipe their own bottoms.

Even though I know it will do no good to write this, especially since most of my readers are mothers who feel the same way I do, I will attempt to convey how I feel about motherhood at present. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and I like being a mom. I don't think I can say I love being a mom today-rough day. Maybe tomorrow.

I said it above. Lost. As a mother I feel competely lost. I'm in a strange city, with weird people who can't seem to tell me how to get back to the highway. I don't have a map and the strange city's convenience store threw their stock of maps away years ago. Every street I try is a dead end with people yelling at me to turn around and try a street that I can't find because there's no grid system. The roads Patience Court and Gentle Way are under construction and impossible to get to at the moment.

When I'm driving and can't find my destination, I tend to cry.

And speed.

And yell.

I feel like I'm doing all three right now. I'm out of ideas and I'm out of patience. I'm tired of trying to find the missing streets that don't exist. I'm tired of being pointed at by everyone without young children and those who don't spend a significant amount of time with their own to know how I feel. I'm tired of seeing moms pretend life is perfect, or near to it, and then feeling like I have to live up to that and compete for my own children's affections, respect, and good behavior. I'm tired of people telling me I can compete and need to (though not in those words, of course). I love my kids and of course I want their love, affection, respect, and good behavior, but I don't know what to do anymore.

I've come to the conclusion that no one knows what they are doing. I'd like to say more on that, but I think it is a bit harsh so I erased it.

I'm not really looking for answers or help, as my erased part would tell you if I hadn't erased it. I'm just venting because I'm tired of being told what to do by people who don't understand.


Kristine said...

Amen Kellie. After I had Alessia I went through PPD and I had to give up looking at other people's blogs for awhile because I hated looking and seeing how everyone else's lives all were perfect. I have sinced learned they are faking it.

I hope things get better for you soon. Just last night we were dealing with Curtis and night terrors and nothing I did matter. Not very good for my self-esteem. If I am his mother I should be in control and be able to help. It is never the case here though.

I hope things get easier. If you ever want to vent call me and I will vent with you.

Kellie Buckner said...

Thank you Kristine. I know how the night terrors are and how helpless you feel. It's one of the most terrible feelings, to know that nothing you can do will help your child snap out of a terror.

I wish more guys could understand what exactly we as mothers go through to raise their children.

the wilsons said...

Kellie, you know what I like about you? You tell it like it is. Your blog is my favorite to read because I totally get where you're coming from. I always focus on the good moments on our blog. I guess so my parents think I'm actually surviving. Someday I'll figure out why I want to impress them so much.
We're having the battle of bedtime at our house. Why can't they just stay in their beds? And why am I always yelling?
I'll share my thought I had in church: We have over 72 kids in our ward under the age of 2. It's nuts. I'm watching all these out of control kids and so happy to see that my kids are being good. The most out of control kids belonged to the best families. So it made me wonder why. I figured it out - we're only given what we can handle. So I obviously can't handle my kids being out of control at church. But you can handle much more. High five! I'm sure that didn't help, but anyway.
I wish people would realize we're not perfect. Sorry world, mothers aren't perfect!
Good luck with the move, hopefully things will calm down once you're settled.

janeen said...

Amen, ditto, and any other words that mean, I hear ya! Mother hood is hard! Infact I think most days are harder than they are easier. I love my kids but they sure are exhausting and I have no idea what I am doing most of the time.

The Odd Family said...

It's a good thing you aren't looking for a solution and are just venting, because I have no solutions. I feel many of the same things you talked about every day. Even my husband (bless his heart) or a babysitter watch the kids, even for an entire day, they really don't get the idea because it's easy to entertain for a day when you don't have to clean the house, prepare three (hopefully healthy) meals, pay the bills, answer the phone, etc...... And being a "graduate school widow" makes it even harder. A few months after I had Emery I started taking medication for PPD because I couldn't seem to cope with everything that was going on. My hormones were off. It's not necessarily the answer for everyone, but it really helped with my perspective. Good luck with the move. Hopefully things will start to get better when you are settled again.

Leanne said...

Two days living in this house, my baby kid won't sleep all night and one peeled the wallpaper off of the walls in his room and peed in his bed. And I'm exhausted. And I have hay fever.

I love you Kellie. Thanks for yelling and crying and screaming, it makes me feel better too. My life isn't perfect, Nobody's is.

Good luck in your new town!

The Odd Family said...

Just read this quote and thought of your blog entry.

M. Russell Ballard:
"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children."

Kim said...

Kellie, you rock! It needed to be said, and I'm glad you did. We are all in this mess together, and if it isn't one thing it's fifteen others. It is always refreshing to know that other people are going through the same stuff we are.